My story?

This may seem random, but I think I'll be able to tie it all together...maybe. :) Today has been a rough day. When I reflect on it now I know that the things I worried about and cried about may seem petty and I hate that they get to me, but it does and if I could change it and make me different I would in a heart beat! Anyway... school is rough. I just hate my classes and its hard to be motivated to study and do homework when you don't enjoy any of your classes and you have teachers that aren't competent and can't teach (this topic alone I could talk about forever, so I won't go there.) And tonight we had a Youth In Mission meeting and I was so discouraged after hearing how good everyone's fundraising is going when mine sucks. I don't doubt that God can and will provide its just so discouraging and hard when everyone else is doing so well.
Well in this meeting too we had to share our testimony with each other. When I heard this I didn't know what to say. I have gone on a couple mission trips and have had to prepare my testimony so many times whether it was for these trips or youth group or whatever, and its always ends up being different.
I got to thinking after, What is my story? Personally, I feel like my life has been pretty uneventful and boring, but I do have a story and I'm just trying to put it into words that can influence and impact those that hear. Since I became a christian when I was real young I feel like my testimony should focus more on what I've been learning and what He is teaching me right now. Well that ends up being a whole lot of stuff and it's kinda hard to narrow down. So right now I'm in a quandary over whether to write a "testimony" right now and just read that whenever I need to in Africa or just reflect on all that God is teaching me then and speaking about that...And then I got to thinking about what a testimony really is and if there's even a specific what you should say and what you shouldn't. I know this is random and probably isn't as hard as I'm making it, but I really don't know what to say in my testimony that I have to have prepared whenever I'm asked in Africa. So I guess I'll be contemplating this until I leave in May. I hear they may ask me to preach a sermon randomly too while I'm over there so thats a whole other story and experience...we'll just worry about that if it comes!

I guess the way this can tie in is I know a part of my story is how I need to try and stop worrying about things and leaving it in God's hands and have him take these burdens from me. Which is part of the reason it's been such a rough day. And if anyone even reads this your prayer would be appreciate about my trip this summer and raising funds and for me to just make it through the rest of the semester! It's much appreciated! :)

Despair in my soul...

I feel like so many bad things are happening. With all the shootings going on around the world, people I know that are sick, or have passed away and the constant issues of how our world sucks sometimes and I just want to make it better. It just all weighs down on me a whole lot and lately I feel like I've been hearing a lot of bad news and I just can't get over all this "bad stuff" that is happening. I mean I hear about another school shooting, my dad's friend from school passing away, my friend's dad is in the hospital and the list could go on...I don't want to be "Debbie Downer" or depressing but all this has been weighing on me and I feel like every second I just can't help but think about everyone that needs prayer and praying for them. Well...I was reading My Utmost for his Highest today during my devos and something that was said really hit the nail on the head with this subject.

"If a burden and its resulting pressure come upon us while we are not in an attitude of worship, it will only produce a hardness toward God and despair in our own souls."

My attitude hasn't been right the last week or so. I have become so burdened and overwhelmed by these things and I need to stop worrying about them. It is bringing despair to my soul and I wouldn't say a hardness toward God, but I can see how it would become that way. I just wish I could fix everyones problems and I hate knowing people are sad and I want to do something for it. So...I'm working on trust and interceding on the behalf of these people through prayer and doing what I can, which in most cases is prayer. And I've realized that I need to leave it at that. I can only do so much and I need to trust that God is in control and will take care of everyone because He loves them so much more than I do.

Sorry It's Been awhile...

I didn't realize how long its been since I last blogged until I logged on here. I have been super busy and I guess just haven't had the time. Not too much has been going on since the beginning of the semester. A few ups and downs, but I'm doing good. I have been struggling with some things and I was reading in my devos from a book called His Princess and its like God writing letters to me. It hit pretty much exactly what I've been thinking about lately...

"You are destined to win. I know how tired you often become, just by trying to do and say all the right things. Take that pressure off yourself, because I did not put it there. The world may judge you by what they see and hear, but I look within your heart. I see your desire to please Me, and I see your struggle to please others. If you want to win this endurance race, you must let go of your need for the approval of others and seek my will and My pleasure. Simplify your life, and let go of the burdens that weigh you down. You'll find that My grace will lighten your step and my favor will even draw others to join you. Yes, at times you will stumble and fall. But don't worry. I'm here to help you get back up again-as often as it takes. Make it your daily passion to run with Me, and I will carry you over the finish line of your faith..."

This was exactly what I needed to here. I put too much pressure on myself I think sometimes. I'm not gonna lie, I'm a people pleaser and that weighs on me so much sometimes. And I want God's grace to lighten my step because lately I have felt so weighted down by things. I need to remember to simplify my life and trust that God will carry me. I'm just so amazed by God and the way he works in our lives. God and I are working on a lot of aspects of my life right now so it is feeling like a daily race, but I know with God on my side I will finish!

It's A New Year

So it's a new year and I kind of have mixed feelings. I'm excited for what this next year has in store, but I'm also nervous and anxious too. And of course I always hate leaving home so it takes an extra positive attitude for me to be happy about being back at school, but I'm working on that area of my life.
A big decision was made for me this break. I found out I was accepted to go to Africa with Youth In Mission. When I first found out I was really excited and then I was hit with a wave of apprehension and worry. I thought of everything that could go wrong and all the reasons I shouldn't go. The fact that I'm not a risk taker (a characteristic I really don't like) was really pushing me away from the thought of going to Africa. However, after much praying, thinking, and talking with lots of people I decided to go. I'm still pretty nervous about this and not sure what to expect, but I know it'll be okay. So, I'll be going to Zambia and it costs about $3700. That's another aspect I'm worried about but I know God will provide.
I was very encouraged by the quote that came with our letter that told us we were accepted. It's by Oswalk Chambers and it says, “If you give God the right to yourself, He will make a holy experiment out of you. God’s experiments ALWAYS succeed!” I just need to keep thinking that whenever I get nervous about the summer.
Also, the same day I found out I was reading My Utmost for His Highest and Chambers writes, "Liviing a life of faith means never knowing where you are being led. But it does mean loving and kowing the One who is leading." If I always knew where I was going in life I wouldn't need faith and there would be no reason to depend on God. I need to realize that God is the only one who knows my future and what wil happen in Africa and I just need to have faith and concentrate on knowing the one how is leading me. So, that's my goal this next semester to continue to know God more and more each day. To prepare myself to share the Gospel with those who have never heard it and to get excited about being God's instrument and experiment.

My Heart is Breaking...

Wednesday's may be becoming my favorite days. I've always hated Wednesdays because they are right in the middle of the week and just blah, nothing exciting happens and I'm always really tired. But these last few Wednesdays have been different. I have the opportunity to serve and it's starting to become my favorite part of the week. I've been doing Baby Girl's Club which I've talked about before and now for all the winter months I'm involved in a ministry called, Room At the Inn. On campus we bring in 6 homeless men and feed them dinner, give them a warm place to sleep, hang out with them, play games with them, and feed them breakfast and give them a sack lunch.
Tonight was my first time, but I plan on going each week as soon as I get back from Baby Girls.
I must admit that I don't always have the best attitude about serving and God is really working on me. There are so many times when I want to use the excuse that I'm too tired or they really don't need me when really those are all cop outs. I always go and love it and am the one that is blessed by the experience. I love all my baby girls so much and they have nestled their way into my heart and will always be special to me!
These men I met tonight are incredible. One man named Isaac used to be a pastor and it sure showed. i really have never met anyone as passionate as him or even as good at articulating his passion and desire to reach out. He probably told 10 sermons in the two hours I was with him. And I bet he was an incredible pastor and he was so kind and sweet!
These are amazing opportunities that I am a part of and I'm finding that serving others is something I love to do, even though I may not have the right attitude, me and God are working on that! :) But I feel like my heart breaks each time I hear the story of one of the men, or hear about a little girl's home life. I'm not sure what to do with the emotions and all I can do sometimes is pray.
I know that I have been blessed and sometimes I get angry that I have all this stuff and love, and have a roof over my head and sleep in a warm bed every night and more than I need when there are so many people out here who don't have any of that. I don't know what to do. But I do know one thing and it's kinda exciting. I know I have a passion for the underprivelaged. Whether it's the homeless, the poor, orphans or whoever, God has placed this burning passion in my heart and all I want to do is serve them and Him. My brother told me a quote that says, "Find the place where your greatest passions meet the world's deepest needs." I think I've found that place.
One way I'm trying to take action with this is I'm changing up my major a bit. I'm still music business, but my minor is social work and will hopefully change into a double major of music business and Community Development, which is a combination of social work and business so that your'e able to work for non-profit organizations and such. I'm not exactly sure yet how it will all work out, but I know it will. I just know that I have found my passion and my heart is breaking little by little and I want to do something to be the change I want to see in this world!

Life's just a journey

Today was a great day. I've been struggling lately with just wanting to not be here and thinking God must have something more in store for me, however, my mind set has changed these last few days or so. I want to start living today and not wondering what might happen later. This is where God has me right now and this is where I need to be making the most of every opportunity I have. I hate that I lose sight of that and lose sight of the fact that God knows the plans for my life and I really need to stop worrying about them. So I know that I won't ever stop missing home and I won't ever stop wishing that all of us from high school could be together again. This is a new part of this journey called life and I need to make the most of it. I'm so thankful I have an amazing place to call home and incredible friends from high school that no matter how many miles or years go by we'll still be close. This is a new chapter in life and I want to embrace that for all it's worth and I don't know if I've been doing that. So I want to go into every day making the most of it and seizing each opportunity that comes my way. I want to glorify Christ in all I do and be Jesus with skin on to those around me.

Changing topics here...I'm in a book group for the book The Irresistable Revolution. It's an amazing book thus far and really changes your perspective on so many things and I think it you're heart is soft enough, it really calls you to action. So last night we were talking about how we are so annoyed and frustrated that we read about all the injustice and we don't do anything about it. We see and hear about all the homeless people and know that it's sad and we should do something but we don't. And I'm tired of driving down the road outside of our school and having my heart break over all that goes on and all the homeless people out there. I want to do something. So today, as small as it may be, some of us went downtown just to hang out with some of the homeless guys. We didn't bring them anything we just talked. We met a guy named Dave who pretty much told us his whole life story and there were many times I wanted to break down in tears because of all that he's gone through. One thing he said is how him and his friends although they live on the streets they are humans and so many people treat them like they aren't or that they deserve to be there and it's their fault, that is such a lie and not true. These people have real families, some have gone through more than we can imagine and have hurts and heart ache just like me and any other person. When talking to him I thought to myself, we are the ones that have this wrong and it sounds like him and his friends have it right a lot of the time.

While we were sitting there so many people walked by and gave us questionable glances or totally ignored all of us sitting there. They wouldn't look any of the men in the eye. I know its so easy to be scared, I mean I was at first, but I think just going and talking to them and letting them know there are people out there who cares showed them Jesus. I saw all these families walk by with their kids and iPods and cameras and I just don't know what to think. I don't want to become the average American family who becomes so absorbed in life and lost in my own world that I can walk past a group of homeless men and not even take a second glance, or think twice about it.

My heart and mind are kinda confused right now because I'm not sure what to think. I don't even know if what I wrote makes sense. I just know that God has called me not to be ordinary, but extraordinary. I know that my heart breaks when I walk or drive around the city and I wish I could change the world some how. I know Jesus hung out with the lowest of lows and the undesirable people. And I know that I want to be like Jesus, whatever that looks like. So I'm on the journey of trying to follow what he has in mind for me and live every second for Him.

This explains it well

God saw you getting tired and a cure was not to be,
so He put His arms around you and whispered,
"Come live with me."
With tearful eyes we watched you suffer and saw you fading away;
we loved you dearly, we could not make you stay.
A golden heart stopped beating;
your hardworking hands put to rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us,
He only takes the best.
God will love you and keep you until we meet somday.

This was on the back of my grandma's program thing from her memorial service. I don't know who wrote it but it describes exactly what happened with us and her. God sure does have someone great up there with him in heaven. I know she is having the time of her life and I can imagine her standing at the gates of heaven and every time someone comes in she says "Oh Jolly Welcome Home!" I can't even explain how much I'll miss her and how my house will never be the same again, but now my goal is to continue living and practicing all she taught me, like how to be a great hostess and love and accept everyone. Even though she isn't here I can continue living out her legacy as I know the rest of my family strives to do to. We lost an amazing woman in all of our lives but hopefully we'll make her proud by the lives we keep living even though she's gone.