Oh What to do...

So it's about the time in the year when I decided I wanted to figure out what I was going to do when I graduated. I thought to myself at the beginning of the semester that at Christmas I would figure out what to do with my life. Well...that's not looking too promising. I'm not stressed out or worrying about it but more than anything I just want to know.

I've learned this semester more about discernment and I've been praying a prayer of indifference, praying that God would help me not to care where I go and make my desire to follow Christ's call on my life and make love my primary calling in life be my motivater in where I go and what I do...not make a decision based on what I want to do or what is most fun or easy.

So since I really do have this mindset of indifference I don't know where to go from here. I have some options and there are some possibilities falling into place possible but I still struggle with fear and really knowing which options are the best...so instead of making this break one of finality and decisions I am going to be seeking. Searching God's heart and will so that no matter what decision I make I know God will be pleased with me since my heart is seeking His and my desire is that no matter where I go or what I do Christ will be reflected in me, love will be shown and I'll be in a place where I can better his Kingdom.

So much going on...

I feel like my mind is mush. Today is the first day in weeks that I've actually been able to stop and think about anything really. I've been going nonstop and it's so nice to just stop. It's also been difficult because things I've avoided thinking about are creeping into my mind. I guess God has been trying to tell me things all semester and I haven't been willing to listen and have totally missed the connections.

I've changed and grown a lot this semester. It may be in ways that no one else can see but myself and that's okay. It's things that needed to happen and that are shaping me. I am finally allowing the walls that I've put up around myself to be torn down. I'm starting to realize that I am worth it and I do have worth..if not in anyone elses eyes I do in God's and that is all the worth I need. I'm starting to actually give myself credit and realize no matter how anyone else makes me feel that I am worth it. I don't know how to explain this exactly without making myself look conceited but I guess I can say I have found my self-confidence in Christ and it's about time. :)

It's still a journey...and I know there will be times I fall and doubt but this is the first and most important step and it's the foundation of what I need to continue living my life the way I think Christ is calling me...but it is a journey so we'll see where I go.

That's just one part of the mush in my brain...so hopefully more entries are to come.

What is Compassion?

I've always considered myself a compassionate person. I could "feel" with people and I would sympathize with people. However, after reading the book Compassion for one of my classes my eyes have been opened to what it really means.

Compassion literally means to "suffer with". It doesn't mean to "bend toward the underprivileged from a privileged position; it is not reaching out from on high to those who are less fortunate below; and it is not a gesture of sympathy or pity for those who fail to make it in the upward pull."

I think I've spent a lot of my life like this; something always made me pull away and not get close enough. I would be sad and get angry by the girls situations at Baby Girls Club or by hearing a homeless man's story but honestly a part of me always kept distance and thought "I just feel so bad for them."

But not anymore...I think I've said before be careful what you pray for...I prayed that God would help me show true compassion and would break my heart for what breaks his...

Today at Baby Girl's I heard a girls story. She's 15, her mom is 28. She's the oldest of 8 kids. She's basically their mom. She was a product of her mother being raped at 13. I can't just hear that anymore and say I'm sorry that's too bad...because I know I'm called to more. I want to get to know her more and hear more about her and let her know someone is suffering with her. I can't live or love just reaching down anymore.

"Compassion means going directly to those people and places where suffering is most acute and building a home there. God's compassion is total, absolute, unconditional, without reservation. It is the compassion of the one who keeps going to the most forgotten corners of the world, and who cannot rest as long as there are still human beings with tears in their eyes. It is the compassion of a God who does not merely act as a servant, but who expresses the divinity of God through servanthood."

What an Experience...

So I went to the Christian Community Development Association (CCDA) conference in Cincinnati this past week. I went into it not knowing what to expect and therefore my expectations were highly surpassed. It rocked me and was probably the best thing that could have happened to me. I learned so much not only about community development but about myself and what God would have me do with my life. My new hero is John Perkins and I plan on reading every book he's written. And God has finally torn down some walls and opened my eyes to things that if I would have been listening sooner would have happened earlier but I finally got smart enough to listen. More to come on this later...

Check them out...
www.ccda.org

Overwhelmed and Angry.

Okay...honest blog here. Posted for the sole purpose of being specific about how I can be prayed for and what's going on...okay kind of a vent too I guess.

I'm just feeling overwhelmed with life at the moment. Too much to do. Going from class to class, homework assignment to homework assignment, obligation to obligation. I don't feel like there's always enough time in the day.
I feel like my life is spinning out of control and I'm just in a free fall. I realize this feeling of having no control could be good...but I don't consider myself quite a control freak where control is usually an issue in my life so the feeling I'm experiencing isn't the best.
I know I can be better. Sorry I suck at being a friend and a student and a person at times...I know I can be better and I'm not. I know I'm a work in progress and I frustrate myself daily with my many let downs.
I don't know what to do with my future. At the moment it just makes me feel burdened so I refuse to think about it...hey may not be healthy but it's what I'm doing at the moment.

I need prayer...and I'm blessed to have people in my life who pray for me (at least i think they do ;) I know I can be dramatic and my life isn't bad at all...but if this overwhelmed feeling could pass that would be wonderful. :)

This is beautiful...

May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression and exploitation of people.
SO THAT you may work for justice, freedom, and peace.

May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger, and war.
SO THAT you may reach out your hand to comfort them and turn their pain to joy.

And may God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in the world.
SO THAT you can do what others claim cannot be done to bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor.

Who I Am.

I've been doing some self reflection lately I guess you could say. I've tried to become more self aware and I've noticed comments from people about me and sometimes I feel like people don't know me that well. So this is just a list about me and who I am. And since I'm loving top ten lists lately here are the top ten things about me...


10. I can't lie. I guess because the two times in my life I've told the biggest lies it was torture to keep things straight and it's not worth it at all. It's actually kinda weird how much I can't lie even if its about something stupid. And one of my biggest pet peeves is when someone does lie to me.

9. I don't get mad very easily. If I do get mad it's gotta be a pretty big deal and the biggest thing that makes me mad are social justice issues.

8. I'm a people pleaser. Yup, I admit it. I've always known it and I hate it at times because I hate that people can so easily have control over my emotions, but I like that it makes me more selfless and think more of others and what they're feeling.

7. My love language is words of affirmation. The way to get to my heart is through words. I notice when people don't say I love you and if you want to make my day just write me a letter. I love writing other people letters and letting them know I appreciate them.

6. I guess I'm unique...I've realized that a lot of people have used that word to describe me and I used to get offended but I looked up the definition and it said: being the only one of its kind and unlike anyone else. So...I guess this could be said in a negative way but I'm just embracing my uniqueness. :)

5. I struggle with being good enough. I guess this is one of my deepest insecurities. I guess it's also related to being a people pleaser.

4. I'm a pretty adaptable and flexible person. I'll go with the flow and I would rather not have things totally planned out, but if they are that's okay too. I think it can come across like I don't have opinions or am just a follower but its just because I will do whatever and if other people care more than I do then I'll just do whatever they want because I'm content with whatever.

3. I do have an opinion, actually I have a lot of them. I think some people would say I don't often say what I think, but I just don't express them all the time because I don't want to start fights with people and I just want to keep the peace.

2. I'm dependable. I can't say I will do something and not do it. I don't think there's many times in my life where I can say I let someone down or said I would do something and didn't. This also results in me sucking at saying no to things and being over committed.

1. I'm an Introvert. I've spent years denying it and always wished I was more outgoing but I've come to terms with it. And I've realized the true definition of the word means that I get my energy from being alone. I love being around people and spending time with lots of friends but I do get drained if I don't have some alone time.




I figured since I was talking about myself I would include a picture...this is the result of being sick and bored in my apt. all day.