I went to Africa once upon a time…it wrecked my life.

 I can’t believe it was four years ago. It seriously seems like just yesterday. I can’t watch a commercial, see a picture, or even hear something about Africa without my heart aching. It’s hard to explain to people truly what Africa meant to me, so I usually just don’t.

Last night I attended the Mocha Club Birthday Bash Concert…it was incredible and the Mocha Club is doing some pretty great things. I am so glad I went and that I got to hear some of my favorite artists, but I also regret it a little. I regret it because I had tears in my eyes and my heart was heavy the whole time. Images of Zambia flashed through my mind. I can’t help but feel a little bit of a tug that I’m supposed to be there. Sometimes I intentionally avoid things that make me think of Africa because I don't always love having to deal with these emotions. It’s easier to just block it all out.

Honestly, I don’t know how to deal with these emotions or how to reconcile the tension and conflict it brings into my heart and my head. I love what I do and I believe I’m right where God would have me right now, but I can’t deny that a little part of my heart will always belong in Zambia. Because as hard as I try sometimes I will always remember…

I will always remember holding a sweet baby with AIDS who wasn’t expected to live past her 2^nd birthday.

I will always remember experiencing the hospitality of the beautiful people there and how they made room for us.

I will always remember the joy, hope and peace on people’s faces when they talked about how regardless of their material possessions they knew where their hope came from.

I will always remember the despair of the sick and diseased children and mother’s swarming us because they thought we could help.

I will always remember thinking; this is who I’m not supposed to forget.

I will always remember being so thankful that the people I met choose to love me.

I will always remember the beauty and wonder of seeing Victoria Falls for the first time and thinking if God cares enough to make something this beautiful, how much more does he care about all the brokenness we’ve experienced.

I will always remember stretching out to hold the hand of a woman with TB who we were praying for because we couldn’t stand the idea that she hadn’t experienced physical touch.

I will always remember the joy of watching a little girl look at herself on the side of our car because it was the first time she had seen her reflection.

I will always remember coming to the realization that I wasn’t there to save anyone or be anyone’s savior but to learn the fact that they had it right in so many ways. They love each other so well, they knew what it meant to be Jesus to someone, they knew, that God’s Kingdom is here and now and that there’s work to be done. They didn't blame God for the brokenness, but gave thanks to Him for allowing them to live each day.

I don’t say this to bring up feelings of guilt or thoughts of  “those poor people”, but I just don’t want to forget. I can’t forget. It’s all part of my story. Sometimes it’s part of my story that I don’t let myself think about. Sometime it’s part of my story I celebrate. Sometimes it’s part of my story I just acknowledge. But it’s part of my story that wrecked my life and I haven’t been the same since.

Windows.

Tonight I laid on my bed with my window open. There was a Kenny Chesney/Tim McGraw concert happening at LP Field and I could hear it clearly from inside my house so I decided, "Why not listen for free to a concert people had to pay lots of money to hear." The advantages of living in Nashville and close to downtown. Anyway...


The concert ended and I left the window open. So many sounds permeated my house. Cars driving by. People walking by talking. Sirens. Dogs barking. Bugs making noise and birds chirping from the overgrown lot next door. Car horns. City life.


Then I shut my window and closed the blinds. Some sounds disappeared...some sounds were muted. 


As soon as I shut the window I felt less connected, less in tune with what was going on outside, less like anyone out there would actually want to know what was going on inside. Now I was just alone.


I feel like I do this to life sometimes, shut the window and close the blinds. I don't want to be brought into anymore brokenness and I don't want to experience any more of the pain that is reality. I deceive myself into thinking that the world is muted and start looking inward because that's a whole lot easier than giving a damn. Somtimes I'm deceived into believing I am alone and no one out there really wants to know that I'm here. I am deceived in believing I am okay alone and why would the people around me really want to know what's going on with me...if I'm truly vulnerable maybe people wouldn't like me anymore. 

Then God pulls the blinds up and opens this window of my soul and...

I'm reminded of the community I have around me.
I'm completely honest with a friend and instead of passing judgement, they look past my messiness and continue to listen and love me.
I'm reminded that God seeks to redeem this world and the brokenness in it and He intends to use us to do that.
Old friendships are strengthened and new friendships are started and it's an affirmation of the fact that we're called to live this life together.

I realize that when I pray continually for God to break my heart for what breaks His and to give me eyes to see...He's just answering that prayer.

I'm re-connected to my community, this city, this world and I know that what makes me valuable is the  fact that I am a child of God who is defined by that and nothing else and that He has called me to give a damn because He does.

Maybe I need to start keeping the windows open more often.

Women.

Single woman. Smart woman. Woman in ministry. Independent woman. Woman hoping to be married someday. Woman living out her calling. Woman who is a leader. Woman capable of more than people give her credit for.

This is me. I am all those things. And quite simply, obviously, I am a woman. I've been burdened lately with the fact that the world and unfortunately, the "Christian" world especially doesn't think all these things are okay. 

I hear things like "God's intention for Christianity is for it to have a masculine feel" (said by a pretty famous and popular Christian leader). No, I don't think that's true at all. God created us in His image...and he created male and female so how do we get away with saying God has a "masculine feel"? I heard someone say once, "Only in both male and female can we fully understand God's image. We can't understand God just looking at male or just female." (Rachel Held Evans is doing a series on this...it's a great post so make sure to read it here!!)

This post originally had a different "feel" and was a bit more cynical and angry. There are plenty of things I could say out of anger...and I believe justified anger, but I don't want this to be just a rant. A friend suggested I went more of the constructive route. Yes, I am tired of being challenged by brothers and sisters in Christ telling me woman shouldn't be in my "type" of ministry. Tired of hearing stories of Christian leaders who don't support women in their calling. Tired of people looking over or not acknowledging how important women were in the Bible and in the story of Jesus (See a great blog on this here). 

I want all women to be encouraged in their calling. Some women are wives and mothers, some women are nuns, some women are single, some are executives, some are teachers, some are in ministry, etc. All those things are great. God gives us each a unique calling...I just want you to feel encouraged in that calling. Know whether or not it fits in the box of "typical" and "traditional" things women have done, it's more than okay not to fit in a box.

I want women to know they are valuable and worthy. They can be confident in the calling God has placed in their lives and know that God didn't make a "weaker" sex. I want my brothers and sisters in Christ to know and believe these words from Frank Viola (see blog link below):

Brothers, honor your sisters in the Kingdom of God. For God honors them. When our Lord pulled Eve out of Adam, He didn’t take her out of his feet below him. Nor did He take her out from his head above him. He took her out of his side.

Sisters, you are fellow heirs in the Kingdom of God. You are fellow priests in the church of God. You are honored. You are cherished. You are valuable. You are needed.

Men. Women. Father. Mother. Single. Married. Wife. Husband. Student. Teacher. Executive. Minister. We are all part of the family. One is not better than another...we all just are. 

There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

Galations 3:28

If you agree or disagree, please read Frank Viola's blog here because he says it way better than I can.

Stars.

At the after-school program on Monday I was helping a group make thank-you cards for their teachers. This was my conversation with a 2nd grader.

2nd grader: "I want to put stars on mine!"
Me: "Okay, that would be perfect. Just draw some on there."
2nd grader with tears in her eyes: "But Miss Abby I don't know how to make stars!"
Me: "Well today you're going to learn and you're going to be the best star-maker ever!"


The next ten minutes or so were spent teaching this precious little child how to make stars. She caught on quickly and was very proud of herself. Here is her practice sheet.

Quite honestly, I was excited too. It was great seeing her face light up and see her excitement and precision as she put each star on her teacher's card. When her mom arrived we both went up to her excited to show her this new talent. Her mom looked at us blankly, gave a polite nod and said, "Let's go we're late." Both our faces fell. I was so sad her mom didn't join in our celebration.

Fast forward to today. We had a final fun day at the after-school program because it's the last day of the school year. It was the end of the day and I was tired and more than ready to be done when this same little girl came up to me, held up the craft we had made and said excitedly, "Miss Abby, look!" I glanced up as I gathered my things and said, "That's nice". Her face fell. I looked closer and saw all the tiny stars she had drawn. I immediately looked her in the eye and with genuine enthusiasm told her, "Oh my goodness look at those beautiful stars.  You are so good at making those!" And her eyes lit up and the smile was back on her face.

I don't say this to draw attention to a mother who isn't the most attentive, a 2nd graders success in drawing, or my ability as a master teacher of star-making (haha), but it just made me think about how often we pass up the opportunities each day to find joy in the little things. How I got so excited about something one day and the next day miss it because I can't see through the busyness and tiredness of my own little world.

What if we took the time to truly enjoy the little things in life? What if we saw the world through the eyes of a child and realized how joy can be found in the small things like learning to draw a star for the first time, seeing the first firefly of the year, or capturing a lady bug? What if we just stopped for a moment each day to be thankful for what we have? What if?

Fulfilled?

I got a call from my mentor and friend from TNU this week asking if I would help her out and allow a class she was teaching for the Salvation Army to come to Harvest Hands. She asked me to share my story, explain what HH does and talk about Christian community development. All of the people in the class work for the Salvation Army and the way the Salvation Army works is in some ways quite a bit different than the guiding principles of HH and CCDA. I never thought I loved "public speaking" but I realized, especially after today, that when I'm talking about something I am passionate about...I could talk all day. :)

They asked questions after I was done talking. One of the guys asked me something and our conversation basically went like this:

Guy: "So you said when you were sharing your story that people didn't always understand why you wanted to do this. Your parents weren't thrilled you were living in not the safest neighborhood and people didn't get why wanted to do what you do. You went to a good school, had a quality education and have the chance to live differently. You could make more money and live somewhere safer. Do you really feel fulfilled living this way?"

Me: After looking at him for a few seconds not quite sure I heard him right, my answer went something like this, "Yes. I feel fulfilled. I can honestly answer that question with a deep, resounding down into in my soul, YES. I know this is what I'm supposed to be doing and it doesn't matter to me what people think or the fact that I could be doing something different, make more money, or live in a "nicer part of town". God calls us to love our neighbor, serve the least of these, and be part of his Kingdom coming to Earth in the here and now, not later. I am fulfilled because I know I'm part of that. Yes, there are days when it's hard and the brokenness of our kids, teenagers, families and community overwhelms me. I'll question why I don't just quit and do something "easier", but when I think about living that "American dream", having a job I don't really like so I can make more money and live in a big house where I don't know my neighbors...that seems like the most unfulfilling thing I can do."

They all proceeded to stare at me like they weren't quite sure what to do with me. "Do I feel fulfilled?" This question has been jumping around in my head all day. I've never had anyone ask me that before.

I feel fulfilled because I know God has called me to and put a passion deep inside my being to do what I do.

I feel fulfilled because each time I hear one of my teenagers say I love you, they know they're going to hear it in return and know it's true.

I feel fulfilled because each time I see one of our kid's cry they know they're going to be comforted by people that truly care about them.

I feel fulfilled because I have found community. 

I feel fulfilled because I have friendships in my life that matter. Sometimes that means you give more than you take, sometimes you take more than you give, my life is full of great people.

I feel fulfilled because I know I am the beloved of a King and that simple fact more than anyone's opinion defines who I am and I have a chance to share that truth with some beautiful girls.

I feel fulfilled because I know my life isn't about me. If I can be used even in the slightest to show God's love to each person I meet, it's worth it.

I feel fulfilled because in the midst of the broken and shitty world we're surrounded by I see, even if just a glimpse, the Kingdom of God shine through in different ways every. single. day.

Community.

We weren't meant to live on an island. Isolated from others and not sharing life. Someone asked me the question the other day, "If you were on a deserted island, what three things would you have with you." I used to have my staple answers like...my iPod (with an unlimited battery life-that counts right?), my favorite book, a pillow, matches, pictures of friends and family...okay that's more than three but anyway. I was thinking about this and I realized I would much rather have three people on that island with me than stuff.  We weren't created to live life alone.

I ache and crave for deep community. I am blessed that I don't live on an island and that I can share life with so many wonderful people. It's not always easy, it can be messy and sometimes it leaves me wishing I did just live alone on a deserted island, but God created us for community. God created us to be in relationship with people.

Community is being able to sit across the table at a coffee shop with a friend, tell her your deep insecurities and she doesn't look at you with judgement or condemnation, but with love, acceptance, and speaks truth and encouragement into you. Community is spending a day with someone and it doesn't matter if you're shopping, sitting at the lake or playing a card game you know your life is richer because it was spent with them. Community is choosing to walk alongside someone even if their life looks nothing like yours. Community is knowing that people aren't perfect, situations come along that suck and things aren't always easy, but even in those times we can celebrate life and look to those people in our lives and know they are there.

I have been blessed by the people who make up the community in my life. I've been reminded lately what true community looks like...what it can truly look like to live life together. No it hasn't just been because all is well and things are going great...stuff is hard. Conversations have happened and choices have been made while tears are shed and that's okay. It isn't just in the good times when you need people in your life, but the times when life is uncertain and you feel like everyone could abandon you, but the beautiful thing is...they don't.

Trust and Thankfulness.

My heart is overflowing tonight. Overflowing with sorrow and sadness, but also gratitude. It hasn't been the best week and a half or so.

Today, my wonderful roommate Sadie surprised me with a book I've been wanting called Jesus Calling. For those of you that haven't read it...get it. It's full of truth and wisdom and it's crazy how I opened to todays and it's exactly what I woke up thinking about. Anyway...I read this today and it was something I needed to hear:

"Rejoice and be thankful! As you walk with Me through this day, practice trusting and thanking Me all along the way. Trust is the channel through which My Peace flows into you. Thankfulness lifts you up above your circumstances. I do My greatest works through people with grateful, trusting hearts. Rather than planning and evaluating, practice trusting and thanking Me continually. This is a paradigm shift that will revolutionize your life."

I'm not trusting that God knows what's going on or that he'll lead us in the way we should go. I'm freaking out a little. I have also lost sight of what to be thankful for and have spent a lot of days grumbling and complaining.

But today that changed. Situations are still the same, but my perspective and reaction to them doesn't have to be. Thankfulness really does lift you up above your circumstances and gaining perspective has a way of bringing peace.

A Few Things I am Thankful For:

1. Friends that encourage me and walk this crazy journey of life with me and make me laugh when I'm crying. Whether they live 500 miles away or 10 miles away I seriously have some of the best friends anyone could ask for.
2. That I am able to be in Florida a week from today to spend time with my family!!
3. A job I love. Sometimes I think it's weird that I'm content in my job and not searching for the next best thing or saying I would rather be doing fill in the blank...nope I like it right here. And even though a lot of my stress and sadness comes from this job at the end of the day I can still say I love it. Because this is more than just a job...it's my life and my community and the way I see God's Kingdom come to Earth a little bit each day in a different way...God didn't say this life would be easy. And if we quit when things got hard where would we be?
4. The Hunger Games and Harry Potter. Just finished the last Harry Potter book...loved each one! Read The Hunger Games awhile go but just saw the movie...so good!
5. That Nashville has turned into home and it's a city I love. If you would have told me 3 years ago I would be living in Nashville and loving it, I would have laughed in your face.
6. Laughter.
7. Good roommates. I just got a new one and it could have been a disaster, but it isn't.
8. Lots of good friends who have babies that I get to love, snuggle and cuddle with.
9. A super comfortable bed.
10. March Madness. Even though my Spartans disappointed, it's still fun to watch all the games.