What I don't get about life...

WARNING: The content of this blog is the result of a rant and rave. The words are cynical at times. Some things I say may not even be right and I'm sure can be justified in some way, but these are just things I've been thinking about and am really just spouting off. And I know I'm guilty of these things too and I don't do everything right...I'm frustrated with myself often.


- How is it so easy to read the Bible...yet not do what it says? I think people really make it harder than it is, it's really not that complex. Love God and love others and really everything else should just fall into place. What would life look like if we truly treated each person as if they were Christ? Life changing I would say...

- How can people see the pain of the world and just push it away and not let it affect them? I can't even watch one of those support a child commercials without crying. There's a line in the movie Hotel Rwanda where the Rwandans are saying well if they see the videos of what's going on here people will want to help and will do something...then the journalist replies...no they'll just see it say that's awful and go on eating their dinner. That's what happens...I hate that it's so easy to become immersed in our own comfortable "easy" lives that we block out the pain and suffering of the world.

- Gossip. I know I can struggle with this as much as the next person and I hate it. Really when you think about it...who wants to be talked about behind their back, so why do we do it to other people? I hate that this is such an easy thing, especially for girls to fall back on in conversation and that it has become so casual.

- Money. I wish we could exist without it, but that's difficult. I just wish we were better stewards of it. And really...some things really get me angry. Like how a professional baseball player won't settle for a $24 million contract because he wants a $26 million one...what does he do that's really beneficial that he should earn that much money? The other day there was a huge semi on campus advertising about a mission project going on in Peru to raise support for churches...how much support could they have given if they wouldn't have rented that truck? Just sayin...

Again, forgive me...I know its cynical, but these are all things I've been struggling with and praying about for awhile among many other issues. I feel like God's been answering my prayer to open my eyes to the world...I just need to figure out how to handle it I guess. I have a holy discontent and I plan on that leading to changes in my own life and not just being a person who is cynical about everything, because I know that's not beneficial at all.

A picture speaks a thousand words.

They say a picture speaks a thousand words. This is one of the pictures I have in my room and to me it says a lot. Every time I look at it I usually expereince two emotions. A deep sadness that makes me ache, but also a complete joy. A deep sadness because I miss Zambia so much and I don't know what to do with myself sometimes. When I look at this picture and any others from my trip this summer it makes me miss them. I miss the beautiful people I met, miss the love they have for the Lord and for each other and the great community I experienced when I was there. I don't think I can truly express or have people understand how badly I miss it or how many times a week my heart just aches to be in Zambia.

I also experience joy. Joy that God is working there and I had the opportunity to be a part of that and spend my summer living there. A joy that I was able to experience what so many people don't and that it had a lasting impact on me. A joy that although I know the people there experience poverty, pain, suffering, and death they have hope and peace and know that they serve a God who is bigger than poverty, pain, suffering, and death. I'm thankful for that because sometimes I get so overwhelmed by the suffering and all I know to do is pray. I pray for them often and think of them tons. I don't know what the Lord has planned for me but if it was to go back there I would, or if it was to stay here and pray from afar I can do that too. I guess we'll just have to see.

Opened Eyes.

Ok so here goes nothing...I know that the few people that really read this are people that care about me (well I hope so) :) and that I know will lift me up in prayer so I'm trying to be honest. I think I've come to a breaking point. I'm not sure if any of this will make sense but we'll just have to see.

I have been struggling lately. Just being in a state of numbness and confusion. I have felt blah some days, great on other days and just clueless overall sometimes. I feel like it's been a roller coaster ride. I've been hurt but am healing and the last few days I've just had some things really heavy on my heart and I couldn't figure it out. I've been praying God would open my eyes to what I need to see.

In this time I've become broken over my sin. I feel like God has really opened my eyes to the filth and dirtiness of my life and it literally disgusts me. Obviously I've always known I've sinned and wasn't perfect but for some reason I feel like I was more blinded to my own sins. I feel like the scales have fallen off my eyes and I not only see myself and what I really look like but also other things in my life.

I'm not sure if this makes sense without going into too much detail but I've been praying continually since the summer that God would break my heart for what breaks his and sin breaks his heart. My sin. Your sin. All of human kind's sin. It's always easy to look around and realize the sin or be judgmental even of the sins of those around us, but it seems so easy to overlook your own sin.

Realizing and being broken over my own sin has made me more aware of God's grace and love in my own life and how that extends to other peoples lives also. I'm a sinner in need of a savior and I think I'm starting to fully realize that concept.

Just ordinary

So my whole life I've always thought I was just average, just ordinary. Nothing really special about me, nothing that stood out or was too impressive. I really struggled with this last summer in Zambia because I felt like everyone on my team was really good at something and I wasn't good at anything. I re-read through my journal the other night from the summer and I what I read was exactly what I needed to hear. In my journal I had written a quote from a book I read called The Dangerous Surrender.

"Ordinary people. God uses ordinary people. He chooses people just like me and you, who are willing to do as He commands. God uses people that will give Him all, no matter how small your all may seem to you; Because little becomes much as you place it in the Master's hand."

I may be ordinary, but that's okay. I know I'm willing to do as Christ commands and I'm willing to give my all to Him. And I know he can make something I think is just ordinary into extraordinary.