Oh What to do...

So it's about the time in the year when I decided I wanted to figure out what I was going to do when I graduated. I thought to myself at the beginning of the semester that at Christmas I would figure out what to do with my life. Well...that's not looking too promising. I'm not stressed out or worrying about it but more than anything I just want to know.

I've learned this semester more about discernment and I've been praying a prayer of indifference, praying that God would help me not to care where I go and make my desire to follow Christ's call on my life and make love my primary calling in life be my motivater in where I go and what I do...not make a decision based on what I want to do or what is most fun or easy.

So since I really do have this mindset of indifference I don't know where to go from here. I have some options and there are some possibilities falling into place possible but I still struggle with fear and really knowing which options are the best...so instead of making this break one of finality and decisions I am going to be seeking. Searching God's heart and will so that no matter what decision I make I know God will be pleased with me since my heart is seeking His and my desire is that no matter where I go or what I do Christ will be reflected in me, love will be shown and I'll be in a place where I can better his Kingdom.

So much going on...

I feel like my mind is mush. Today is the first day in weeks that I've actually been able to stop and think about anything really. I've been going nonstop and it's so nice to just stop. It's also been difficult because things I've avoided thinking about are creeping into my mind. I guess God has been trying to tell me things all semester and I haven't been willing to listen and have totally missed the connections.

I've changed and grown a lot this semester. It may be in ways that no one else can see but myself and that's okay. It's things that needed to happen and that are shaping me. I am finally allowing the walls that I've put up around myself to be torn down. I'm starting to realize that I am worth it and I do have worth..if not in anyone elses eyes I do in God's and that is all the worth I need. I'm starting to actually give myself credit and realize no matter how anyone else makes me feel that I am worth it. I don't know how to explain this exactly without making myself look conceited but I guess I can say I have found my self-confidence in Christ and it's about time. :)

It's still a journey...and I know there will be times I fall and doubt but this is the first and most important step and it's the foundation of what I need to continue living my life the way I think Christ is calling me...but it is a journey so we'll see where I go.

That's just one part of the mush in my brain...so hopefully more entries are to come.