I know it's long...but please read it.

Tonight I was at Room In the Inn and I was able to sit down and talk with a man named Anthony. He has an incredible testimony. I was moved to tears multiple times and reminded constantly of God's grace and love for us. He said his prayer was that I would get something from his story and be able to share it with others. So here is Anthony's story...

He grew up in West Palm Beach with a nice family, mom and a dad, nice house and all that. He went to college and had a daughter while there. After that he went off the deep end. He said he grew to hate and despise his ex-girlfriend because she wouldn't let him see their daughter or bring her around his family. He got into drugs among other things. His bitterness and hate grew so much that he came up to Nashville, bought a gun, and planned to kill the mother of his daughter. Luckily, she wasn't home when he got to her house. He went back to the hotel and sat...high on crack he decided he didn't want to live anymore. He said he knew the devil had a hold of him and he didn't want to live anymore but he wanted to go to heaven. He held a bible in one hand and a gun in the other. As he pointed the gun to his head a feeling came over him and he couldn't do it. He cried out to God for the first time...and just fell asleep. The next morning after waking up he didn't know how he fell asleep especially while being so high. But he gave his life to Christ, threw his gun away, and felt God calling him back to Knoxville where he was wanted for burglary. To make the story a little shorter...he moved back and got arrested and spent months in jail, but while there started bible studies and multiple prayer groups. Eventually he was let out and came back to Nashville, got a job and started seeing his daughter.

Fast forward a couple years...he lost his job three weeks before last Christmas so that's why he is homeless. He has a great relationship with his daughter, Mayana who is 17, and he saves up enough money from odds and end jobs to get a hotel with her every other weekend so he can spend time with her. And he loves Jesus. His favorite thing to do is write sermons he says. He explained the one he is writing now to me. He talked about how it's hard loving the other homeless guys when they make fun of him or call him names, but he just kills them with kindness and they notice he's different.

I'll never forget what he told me..."I may not have a car, or house, or much money to my name but the joy and peace I have in my life is really what matters". He gets it. He has paid for his mistakes and had to suffer more than many of us ever will have to, but he is forgiven and his life shows that he gets it. He doesn't find fulfillment in what he has or doesn't have, but in the ways he obeys the Lord and is able to love others.

His parting words to me would be that he would pray for me as he went to sleep. That his story would somehow help in someway and it did. It showed me someone that truly understands what it means to be a follower of Christ, no matter what your past is.

That's why God gives us a story...so we can share it and as Anthony said...everything that happens, God gets the glory. It isn't about me or even the exact events that happen, but how through my story God gets the glory. Wise words from a homeless man I may never see again..."As long as God gets the glory through whatever happens, that is what matters."

A new outlook

I feel like I have a new outlook on life and am renewed. I don't know why it took so long for me to see life this way or what even exactly brought it on, but whatever it was I'm so thankful. I feel like I've realized what I've been missing out on and God has finally gotten through to me. Sometimes I don't think I have the words to express the fullness of my mind and heart.

One thing I've learned through reading the book Crazy Love and just through God helping me is his great LOVE for us. I've always been a romantic and couldn't wait for that perfect relationship with that perfect guy...sometimes it claims my attention in a way that isn't really beneficial. At a worship night a couple weeks ago it was like God tapped me on the shoulder and whispered in my ear, hello! I love you! and it finally sunk in. Whether or not I find that "perfect relationship" I have a Savior who loves me with that love I've thought could come from a human relationship. It doesn't. Only Christ can love us unfailingly and unconditionally. He is perfect love. He is my love story that I've always wanted.

This love has spurred me into action. I feel so fulfilled and content and I want to continue in this love story every day and fall more and more in love with my Jesus. And I want other people to experience this love. I want to love people the way we're supposed to. I pray that God gives me his eyes to see people the way he does. In Crazy Love he talks about how our life would change if we actually treated each person we came into contact with as Christ. How would it?...it would pretty much turn it upside down. I have this deep love for Christ and if I were to treat each person with that love, my world would look so different. And that excites me. I want to love like Christ loves.

There's so much more than God is teaching me. I don't even know if I can put it all into words. I just know that God is good and my life is His. I'm open to what He has for me and I'm learning everyday what that look likes exactly. I have a deep joy and peace that I can't quite express. :)

My Prayer

Jesus, I need to give myself up. I am not strong enough to love You and walk with You on my own. I can't do it, and I need You. I need You deeply and desperately. I believe You are worth it, that You are better than anything else I could have in this life or the next. I want You. And when I don't, I want to want You. Be all in me. Take all of me. Have Your way with me.


I read this in Crazy Love, in the chapter about "When You're in Love". This is my prayer. Let's just add too that God has amazing timing with things. He meets you where you are and always reveals answers to you when you're willing to pay attention.

I Wish to I Pray.

I wish I was more outgoing. I wish I was more articulate. I wish I was prettier. I wish I was smarter. I wish I was more confident. I wish I wasn't so hesitant sometimes. I wish I was different than I am.

The point of this isn't to have a self pity party or make it look like I have low self esteem, but to give credit to the reason that although I may wish all these things sometimes I know I don't need them. If you were to ask me a year ago what I would change about myself the list would be long and go on and on. Although this list does exist still to some extent I've realized it doesn't matter. I have truly realized that because I have Christ in my life and that he is the center of me, then nothing else matters. Yes. There's always room for change and improvement but too much of my life has been wasted wishing I was someone else. God made me who I am and we are his masterpieces and who am I to say that he made a mistake in how he made me. I mean I don't really want to insult the creator of the universe. :)
God is my identity and who defines me. My intelligence, personality and looks don't define me. It's so freeing knowing that God loves me. ME. Just the way I am. No matter how quiet I can be or how many times I stumble over my words or how many ugly days I have, He doesn't care. He can use me, even through my weaknesses which most of the time I see as flaws. It's a weight of my shoulder realizing I am who I am because God made me and he'll use me whether I think I have the right characteristics or not. So my wishes have changed into prayers that center around things that do matter...

I pray I'll be used in whatever way God intends. I pray I see people and love people the way Jesus does. I pray God breaks my heart for what breaks his. I pray that God's power is made perfect in my weaknesses. I pray God uses me to bring glory to HIM.

Having the wrong mind set.

I'm reading the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan. Which everyone needs to read. It is simple but what he says is something everyone needs to hear and really challenges you and your way of thinking.
He talks about in one chapter left overs and how we don't put importance on the things that matter. We get so caught up in worldly issues and worldly "stuff" we lose sight and don't even know what we really should consider important when we claim we follow Christ with our whole heart. There is one quote about failure that really hit me hard. If you were to ask me one of the biggest fears of my life I would probably say failing and now being good enough. I don't really know how that developed in my life or why I'm that way, but I always have been. I just have always wanted to be good at everything I do and don't want to do something if I can't be good at it. Obviously...this isn't the way God intended us to live. God says, "His power is made perfect in our weaknesses". So my prayer for the last year or so is that I would remember this truth and not be afraid about "not being good enough", it isn't the right mind set.

But the quote in this book I think applies to so many people and especially me,
"Our greatest fear as individuals and as a church should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don't really matter."

When I read this it kinda rocked my world. I thought of all the wasted time and energy I've spent on my fear of failure and wanting to be good at all this stuff. What if instead of those fears and worries I would have been thinking about succeeding at what God has called me to and furthering his kingdom. I look at my life and see that I have succeeded at many things that don't matter.

Not gonna lie...one of my first thoughts when I read this was man...i'm a failure at following Christ. I guess old habits are hard to break. But my prayer is that I would lose sight of my fear of failure and being good enough and only think about the things that matter in this world and being Christ to those around me. My fear should be that I'll be succeeding at things that don't really matter and have no impact on God's Kingdom.