Wall.

I feel like a wall has been torn down in my heart, in my mind, and in my soul. Something has been preventing me from fully experiencing God's love and expressing it the way it should be for the last few weeks, months, and maybe even year. And I feel like I can see clearly now. Like the scales have fallen from my eyes.

I'm not quite sure I can explain it but I'm thankful for a God that continues to pursue us even if we're not sure we want to be pursued. I'm thankful for a God who listens to our confession and speaks to us in our repentance. I'm thankful for a God who uses a string of little things to break down a huge barrier.

And I'm thankful for a Savior who stands in front of us and says, "I am". I am the one who will carry your burdens, I am the one who brings light in the darkness, I am the one who can handle your pain, I am the one that loves you no matter, I am the one who works for your good, I am the one who has been here even when you don't acknowledge me.

I am the one who loves you even when you don't think you feel it.

Praise God.

Identity.

I've been thinking lately. I feel like I'm going through a quarter-life crisis. If that even exists. I can't really articulate what I've been thinking because it's all over the place, but one thing I've been asking is who am I? What are my gifts and strengths? Where exactly am I placing my identity?

I stumbled upon a blog this morning and it was a great read for all that I've been thinking about lately. One thing she mentioned was how we get into the comparison game. I spend a lot of time thinking if only I was more organized, or super creative, or more outgoing and she brought up a good point,

"Instead of comparing, we need to ask God who he wants me to be, and then do that well."

"Clothe yourself in the unique identity Christ has for you, not comparing yourself to others."

God has created me to be me and no one else. I needed that reminder today. I can only do me well. It's a waste of time trying to be someone else.  This is something I know and have come a long way in being confident in who God has created me to be, but it's always nice to have a reminder and realize I'm not the only one who struggles every now and again.

So, who am I? I am a daughter, sister, friend, mentor, co-worker, sports fan, encourager, worry-wort, sometimes too sensitive, peacekeeper, and with all the good and the bad most importantly I am a child of God. And even if all else fails praise the Lord I can hang on to that fact. :)

Remembering Zambia.

I stumbled upon emails I wrote from Zambia tonight. I read one and that of course lead me to reading all of them. This lead me to think about how that trip has shaped me into who I am today.  Someone responded to one of my updates by saying:

"Like Joshua, you can “place a stone” when you come home, to remember how the Lord worked in your life. For when the “daily-ness” of life is there and you wonder about God – you look at your “stones” and see that yes, He still works, He still is true!" 

I'm thankful that I can look back and see how God worked and realize because he worked then He is continuing to work today. Reading those emails brought me back to my time in Zambia and brought tears to my eyes. That experience is nothing I can fully express to anyone. It taught me so much and was life changing. I read things from my email updates like:

"The poverty and circumstances we saw at all these villages was devastating. Each night I came back feeling overwhelmed and confused. We came into contact with about 500 orphans in four days, that makes 1000 parents that have died. Just thinking about that fact alone is hard. Most of the children are malnourished and many had HIV/AIDS."

It's interesting because looking back and reading about the villages we visited they were approaching this devastation in such a community development way. I don't think I even realized it then, but what I learned there and saw there was exactly what I felt called to do in my own backyard, I just didn't know it yet. One of the last emails I received from my brother when I was in Zambia said this:

 

"I pray God cements things in your heart so no amount of America takes away what you have learned."

This happened. God cemented the things in my heart that I learned in Africa and those shaped who I have become. I didn't return the same person and I'm not the same person. I could go on and on with how almost every day something happened in Zambia that links to where God has me now, it's crazy. I'm so thankful today to be reminded of how the Lord works. It's been three years, but Zambia is never far from my thoughts and prayers.

And since pictures are just great here are a few of my favorites from Zambia.

Some of the kiddos and I.

 My team at Victoria Falls. The most beautiful place I've ever been!

All the kids wanted was to hold our hands.

 

Walking through a village with a little girl.

Think about it.

I was looking at my facebook profile today randomly and I found this quote in my quote section and forgot how much I love it, but how challenging it is.

"The only thing harder than hatred is love. The only thing harder than war is peace. The only thing that takes more work, tears, and sweat than division is reconciliation. But what more beautiful things could we devote our lives to?"

Really think about that. What would our world be like if we chose love instead of hate. Peace instead of war. Reconciliation instead of division. Forgiveness instead of bitterness. Acceptance instead of judgment. These are all things we've been called to devote our lives to. Jesus did so as a follower of him I am called to do the same.

Also, just got back from vacation in Seattle/Tacoma/Oregon. It was so great! So fun to hang out with my siblings and see Bob and Court and Katie! It was much needed time away and I'm so thankful for it. And I got to visit Oregon and cross a state I haven't been to off my list! Here are some pics:

At Bridal Veil Falls in Oregon. Leah and I took a hike back to them and I climbed down and then up that rock for a closer view while Leah took the picture from above! 

 Friends living in three different states reunited in one!

Maybe a different perspective?

There's been a lot of debate about heaven and hell going on these days and I found this on a blog and thought it was a good. It makes me angry how so many argue with each other and bring more harm than good to the Kingdom of God over theological debates. I can't site the author because I can't remember where I found it, but here it is:

On that day, everyone from every nation were raised from the dead as all of creation gathered around the glory of his burning thrown. As the brilliance of the seraphim and cherubim circled above, humanity was separated into two groups. Some started asking each other “did you accept Jesus?” In both groups you could hear people saying:

I went forward at that rally!

I’ve never heard of Jesus!

I went to church and played bass in the band!

I was born centuries before him!

I drove out demons and did deeds of power in his name!

I was a good person, I’ll be going to heaven!

The Son of Man, frustrated with the talk of ‘going to heaven,’ interrupted the babel and confusion with a clarifying question that silenced all of creation:

“You thought this was about going somewhere else? Did I teach you to pray ‘Your kingdom we’ll go?’ or ‘Your Kingdom come?’ I have come to bring heaven here, not to take you elsewhere. Heaven isn’t a ‘place’ that you go, it’s the very Presence of God that I bring. And now, those who have responded to God’s grace and have not dammed Heaven from flooding the earth by accepting me will inherit this kingdom of a transfigured creation.”

The seas roared with the outcry and joy from within both groups as some lamented they have never heard of Jesus let alone accepted him, while others ecstatic that they prophesied and saved souls in his name.

Then the King with a voice like lightening silenced the nations with this stunning declaration:

“You accepted me, as a child solider in Darfur, as a Thai child enslaved in sex trafficking, as a refugee seeking to enter your country, as a disabled black youth on death row, as a homeless vet on the streets, as a gay youth victimised in High School, as a drug addicted prostitute needing a meal, as an inmate needing a visit …”

As the list of where Christ had been camouflaged throughout creation when on, a shockwave rippled throughout all of reality at the realization that the two groups were not separated by their doctrines or ideas about Christ, or grace, or Heaven, or hell. They were separated by their response to the saving grace of Jesus in the most vulnerable and oppressed. The reality of this revelation for one group felt like eternal punishment. And for the other, eternal life. Eternal Life of the New Heavens and the New Earth liberated from all that does not look like Jesus’ Calvary-shaped love.

Just something to think about it. 

I am me.

I can't sleep and so I'm thinking. God has been working on reminding me of some things lately. He's giving me the reminder that he made me who I am for a reason. I don't need to believe the lies that I'm supposed to be a different way or I'm not good enough. Sometimes I use the quote, "I am me." for different things and it's really as simple as that. I am me. No one else. With all my insecurities and flaws and with all my strengths and successes. Why waste my time trying to be someone else?

A wise friend sent me this quote today as encouragement with this issue and I've been reflecting on it all day.

"The basis of my personal worth is not my possessions, my talents, not esteem of others, reputation...not kudos of appreciation from parents and kids, not applause, and everyone telling you how important you are to the place...I stand anchored now in God before whom I stand naked, this God who tells me, You are my son (daughter), my beloved one." 

--Rabbi's Heartbeat, Brennan Manning

My prayer is that I remember this. That I hold tight to this truth and continually gain confidence to fully be who God created me to be. I like how ee Cummings said it because it's not always easy:

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."

Single.

Yup I'm single. Okay I know that is no secret, but I've been thinking about the state of "singleness" these days. I mean it's hard not to when lots of people around me are in a relationship and every week I seem to get a save the date or wedding invitation in the mail. And then here I am living my life, staying busy, and still single. I love my life and of course at this current moment I'm not sure where I would fit a relationship into my schedule, but anyway...

I think most single females would say they think about getting married and when that perfect boy will finally come along, but I've just gotten tired of always thinking "what's next' and "when?". Why do we feel like this time of singleness is just a time to hold out until what is next? Why do so many of us think there's something wrong with us if we aren't married by the time we're 23? There's nothing wrong with me and there's no reason for me to feel ashamed of being single at this point of my life because honestly sometimes people make me feel that way.

I was reading an article in Relevant magazine about singleness and it was really good. One thing it said was:

"Singleness is not a disease to be cured; it is a stage of life to be enjoyed. Too often, we try to rush through it." 

So I'm going to enjoy this time of my life. Honestly, I know there will still be times where I struggle and I think that's normal, but I think as single woman we need to re-adjust our way of thinking.  The author of the article leaves you with this challenge:

"I challenge you to revel in your singleness. Take pleasure in the down time. Don’t waste your time on “what ifs” and “if onlys,” but instead reap the benefits of where you are today, right now." 

Here's the link to the article if you're interested. It, of course, says things way better than I could:

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/blog/25590-single-and-not-alone

Also...random note, but one year ago this month I graduated from college. Weird.

I've got nothing.

I haven't posted in awhile because I really haven't had much to say. I was catching up with a friend last night and he asked how life was. My response basically came out as, "It's good. I mean it's not really good or bad or great or awful. At the moment it just is. I'm keeping really busy and it just keeps on going."

I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in a funk, but there's just nothing going on. It's a moment in my life when if someone asks whats new there really isn't anything. I feel like I've been surrounded lately by lots of things going on in the people's lives around me, but nothing in my own. At times I get a little antsy for something exciting to happen so that when a friend calls to catch up I can say, "Actually there's this guy...or actually I'm going on this great vacation...or actually I have this crazy story..." But, I've got nothing.

This bothers me sometimes, but I'm trying to just enjoy the moment and the peacefulness of my calm mundane life at the moment (however, I do genuinely like my life no matter how boring it may seem). The non excitement of my own life is allowing me to better enjoy the excitement of others. haha

Since a blog post is boring without a few pictures...meet Maggie. She is the excitement in my friends Jenny and Patrick's life lately. She is the most precious baby and I love holding her...just my love and excitement for a friend's baby makes me think I'm going to be a mess when I'm an aunt some day!

One exciting thing that did happen was my Florida vacation with my family. I was so thankful for time we could all be together and it was tons of fun. That for sure didn't make me want to come back to my mundane life. :)

Weary.

Today a few people asked me if I was okay because I didn't look great. (They were quick to say not my appearance and I was quick to assure them I knew what they meant) :)

I knew what they meant because I knew what they were talking about it. I smiled today and I knew it didn't quite reach my eyes and that I appeared weighed down. I recently took the Strengths-finder survey and it said my top strength is Empathy. It makes so much sense. It explains why when something bad or unfair is happening to someone I care about it's hard for me to forget about it and not worry about it. That pretty much explains this weight and burden. But this verse keeps running through my head:

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

Thank God for this statement. It gives me hope and I've found it to be so true. These burdens make me want to quit sometimes. I feel that pricking in the back of my mind that whispers to my soul, "Don't you wish you could live a care-free, "happy" life? You have the resources and the ability to live somewhere safer, to make more money, and to not be weighed down by others burdens." I would be lying if my mind doesn't entertain the idea for a minute, but then my heart and soul kick in. No I don't wish that. In fact, that's the last thing I want. The charge that keeps running through my mind is:

When someone has been given much, much will be required in return; and when someone has been entrusted with much, even more will be required.

 

So of course my life could be "easier", but I refuse to believe that's the way we're supposed to live. I know the charge Christ has placed on my life and I know I am exactly where He would have me be right now. The idea of living a nice, care-free, comfortable life while pursuing the American Dream is the exact opposite of what I believe as followers of Christ we should be pursuing. I know I'm meant to be a part of God's Kingdom coming to earth as it is in heaven and to love others the way Christ loves me. And if along this journey burdens come and I feel weary and life seems hard...well praise the Lord we serve a God who tells us He'll carry those burdens for us.

Thankful

I realized I haven't blogged in awhile...I guess that's what happens when time gets away from you. I sat down to write a deep and thoughtful post and I couldn't put my words together. My overwhelming thoughts these days are just filled with gratitude and joy. It's funny to look back to January and how I just felt in a dark place with not much going on and now I just feel lighter and able to find joy each day, especially in the little things these days:

All the trees are blooming here in Nashville and they're so pretty. The weather has been beautiful and I've laid outside in the sun the past two days. I don't need to spend money at the tanning bed to get ready for my upcoming Florida trip since I can just sit outside! Thankful.

I just love March and March Madness is one of the biggest reasons. I love college basketball and there's just something fun about filling out your brackets, watching upsets, and competing with your friends and family to see who has the best bracket. (However, it's not fun when your team loses...my poor Spartans.)

I know it may seem weird to be thankful for cereal, but I am. It's the only consistent thing I buy at the grocery each week and it just hits the spot. I'm especially thankful for my new found favorite cereal, Kroger brand blueberry almond crunch.

There's a lot more random little things I could post and these days I seem to find joy in the dumbest things like cereal, but hey I'm realizing we're not meant to go through our days thankless, cynical and pessimistic. So if I want to find joy in my late night bowl of Blueberry Almond Crunch cereal then so be it.

Oh Joy!

So in this blog here I decided to write a Joy for each day because I was having trouble finding joy in each day and I said, "I refuse to go through a day without stopping to see where God has worked and I don't want to take for granted any more the time I have." So I thought I would share some of the things I've found joy in the last month or so:

Monday, January 24th:  "Today I had the funniest conversation in my car with four of the most precious angels that I work with. We were driving from the gym back to Harvest Hands and one told me she only likes Jesus and God music so I turned off the radio and we sang "Who's the King of the Jungle". Except when they get to the part where you say "His name is J-E-S-U-S YES!" They all came to a dead stop at the same time and said, "Miss Abby we don't know how to spell Jesus!" So funny!

Tuesday, January 25th: Mandy and I went to the Adventure Science Center for their adults only after hours event and it was so fun! It was my first time going and an early birthday present for her! My favorite part: The Germ Game. Our team won every time!

Sunday, January 30th: My pastor and his wife, Jim and Jessica, came over for lunch and had a good time getting to know them better and spend time with their sweet baby Justus.

Wednesday, February 2nd: Civil Wars Concert with Amanda Lian. One word: Magical.

Tuesday, February 8th: Found out I could go to Florida with my family in April!!! 

Thursday, February 10th: Found out Jake got into PT school!

Monday, February 14th: Valentine's Day spent with these crazy boys, my 2/42 group and then finished the night at The Saucer.

Wednesday, February 16th: Saw Committed in concert! They're amazing and I was so glad I got to see them with Mandy, Tricia, and Jen.

Today, Sunday, February 27th: A wonderful time at church and a reminder of God's love for me and the blessing of a church family. Good time with friends, conversations in parking lots, Sunday afternoon naps, cereal for your 10:00 snack and a night to yourself.

I'm discovering sometimes it's the events, sometimes it's the people, and sometimes it's the little things that bring joy to my days. I'm excited to see what the rest of the year holds.

Celebrate.

If you were inside of my head at the beginning of January this is what you would have heard:

"Well...there goes another Christmas break and here I am back in Nashville. I guess life just resumes as normal, now that I'm in real life I guess there's not as much to look forward to. I have nothing exciting coming up, no big trips, no celebrations, no events and I don't have the consistent breaks to look forward to like I did through all my school years. Why can't my life be more exciting?"

Debbie Downer I know. I knew these thoughts weren't the most productive or positive, but I wasn't sure what to make of this phase of my life. 

I feel like I've learned a lot and grown from that moment in January. I've been on a journey to celebration. It started with intentionally finding joy in each day and was helped along by reading the book Cold Tangerines and pushed over the edge by some divine nudges. I realized each day is a reason to celebrate. Can you imagine how your life would be different if you woke up every morning excited to be where you are? I couldn't...not at first. I'm learning and it is a journey because it's so much easier to look to the next best thing and choose to be miserable in the normalcy of life. 

It's funny the timing of things. All these thoughts were going through my head and then I just happen to read a book that puts my thoughts into words way better than I ever could. 

"It's rebellious, in a way, to choose joy, to choose to dance, to choose to love your life. It's much easier and much more common to be miserable. But I choose to do what I can do to create hope, to celebrate life, and the act of celebrating connects me back to that life I love. We could just live our normal, day-to-day lives, saving all the good living up for someday, but I think today, just plain today, is worth it. I think it's our job, each of us, to live each day like it's a special occasion, because we've been given a gift. We get to live in this beautiful world. When I live purposefully and well, when I dance instead of sitting it out, when I let myself laugh hard, when I wear my favorite shoes on a regular Tuesday, that regular Tuesday is better."

This is from Cold Tangerines, a book that if you haven't read you should. It's one of the best books I've read in awhile!

Friendship

It's funny the timing of things. Last night my dear friend sent me a text that said something to the effect of, "Thanks for being a good friend and caring about peoples lives." I responded with, "You're too kind, but thank you." (And then she scolded me for not taking a compliment)

Anyway...this got me thinking about friendship and love and relationships. I truly believe that I have a lot of love to give. And I truly believe it's because God bestows His love on me so that I can give it away. Well I was reading my new book, Cold Tangerines (so good so far btw) and she put my thoughts in words, way better than I could!

"Friendship is acting out God's love for people in tangible ways. We were made to represent the love of God in each others lives, so that each person we walk through life with has a more profound sense of God's love for them. Friendship is an opportunity to act on God's behalf in the lives of the people that we're close to, reminding each other who God is. When we do the hard, intimate work of friendship, we bring a little more of the divine into daily life. We get to remind one another about the bigger, more beautiful picture that we can't always see from where we are."

I love this. I wish people truly realized how much of an opportunity and how life giving friendship and relationships can be. I know part of my calling and existance on this earth is to "act on God's behalf in the lives of the people that we're close to, reminding each other who God is." And my prayer is that I will continually do this day in and day out. 

Since this is about friendship and blogs are just better with pictures..here are just a few with friends:

Valentines Day + 4th grade boys

So today is Valentines Day...well technically not since it's after midnight, but anyway. Quite honestly I don't care one way or another about Valentine's Day, I just get angry about how much money people spend on it when that money could be going to so many other beneficial things, but I could go on and on about that.

I realized after today that Valentines Day is a lot more fun spent with kids. It was fun getting their little Valentines, candy conversation hearts, hear about their Valentines at school, and hear one boy say he prays for a girlfriend every night before he goes to sleep. On Mondays in my group it's me and all the boys because the girls have other after-school activities.

I got the low down on their crushes and who they wanted to have as their Valentine. Of course, the next question was, "Ms. Abby who is your Valentine?!?" And here was the conversation:

Me: "It's a secret"

The boys: "No fair we told you who ours were!" ... "Is it Mr. Luke?"

Me: "No, actually I don't have one"

One boy: "You need to go on eharmony!"

Another boy: "You need to go on wouldyoudateme.com"

Another boy: "Ms. Abby what you need to do is walk down the street with books in your hand and run into a man. Then you drop all your books and he helps you pick them up and you're in love. That's how it happens in the movies"

If only it was that simple. I would have walked down the street with books way sooner! :) The whole afternoon was full of their theories on love, what they do to win over the girls they like, and more advice about how I can as they said it "finally get married". But they brought joy to my day today and I'm thankful for these crazy boys:

Taylor

So a lot of shitty (sorry Mom for cussing) things have been going on lately. Just feeling burdened by a lot of things going on in people's lives. Some of these people are very close to me, while others I don't know that well, but still God has laid them all on my heart.

I truly think we are called to share in each others burdens while lifting one another up in prayer. I hate that all these things are happening and all I know to do is pray and trust that God knows what the heck is going on. One person I've prayed for a lot the last few weeks is Taylor.

Taylor started volunteering with us at Harvest Hands (HH) in January and I've never had a volunteer so enthused to get started! Her first email to me was full of exclamation points (which I love!) and a desire to serve that I could sense even over an email. She came, jumped right in, and the kids loved her! And I was so excited to have a volunteer that was so passionate and ready to help!

About a week and a half ago she sent me an email letting me know she was in the hospital and thought she would make it to HH, but the doctors wouldn't let her leave yet so she would see us next week. Her friend came by later that day to check out HH and sent Brian an email after she left saying she wrote about us in her blog. Brian sent her blog on to me and it rocked my world.

Taylor is 22 years old, just graduated college, and has cancer. The reason she was in the hospital was because she had just had surgery where she was given a 15% chance to survive and she did. What?!? I had no idea. I don't know Taylor well, but I've been faithfully following her friend's blog and praying for her constantly. I feel like i know her better now and I know this cancer doesn't define her. She was choosing in between chemo treatments to come serve at Harvest Hands. That alone should tell you how great she is. Here's a link to the blog if you want to check it out:
http://team15percent.blogspot.com/

Taylor needs our prayers. Even if it's a short prayer after you read this or you remember her daily it would be great for a miracle to happen. I can tell God is working in and through her life and I think he's got more things for her to do here and we need her back to HH! :)

She apparently loves Garth Brooks and was able to meet him and Trisha Yearwood recently when he was in Nashville doing his concerts for flood relief:

Family

I've always loved my family. We've always been close and I really hate living so far away from all of them. I think people have different definitions of "being close with your family", but I would seriously consider my family my best friends. We keep in touch regularly and know what's going on in each others lives. My dream would be that we would all live in the same city some day, however, with our track record of places we live and lifestyles I'm thinking within a day's drive may be more realistic!

I just really can't express how much I love them and wish I could see them every day. I've been blessed with a new sister, who fits right in and who we loved even before we knew she would be an official part of the family!

We haven't been all together since May for my brother's wedding and I hate that. BUT...we're all going to Florida in April! How excited am I? Maybe too excited...I can't think about it for more than a couple seconds or I will totally forget about present time and just wish life away until April.

We'll go from being together during the wedding fun and craziness to laying in the sun and relaxing our time away! Like my dad would say (with a little tweaking from me), "The family that tans together stays together!"(His usually goes something like, "The family that does chores together, stays together")

ps. Jake just got into the Physical Therapy program at the University of Washington (like we doubted he would...he's so stinkin smart!) but so so proud of him!! Excited for this next step in his journey!

Dillon.

Dillon is one of the students in our After-school Program. He's five and so stinkin cute! Some things you learn about Dillon pretty quickly are that he can't sit still, he likes to sing, dance, and drum and he loves his baby sister. He is always moving. He broke his arm earlier this year, but that didn't stop him from playing or jumping off the stage regardless of the cast covering half his arm. I'm trying to intentionally find joy in each day and he brought me joy yesterday. Here is why (the end is the best):

If you can't understand him he's singing the song Boogie Fever from his favorite movie "Despicable Me". When you ask him what it's called he'll say, "The Cookie Robot Song"! Check out more pictures of him and all the other little blessings in my life at the Harvest Hands Facebook page. http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Harvest-Hands-Community-Development-Corp/156150057760320

Notes like this bring joy to my life too. They help me keep going when I don't always have the energy.

Fog.

So I just really wanted to write a blog, but when I sat down to type nothing would come out. Probably because my brain feels like this:

It's like there's a fog over me and my thoughts or any intelligent thoughts for that matter are struggling to break through. Probably because I'm sick and it feels like my head is going to explode, but also I've been feeling burdened by a lot lately. It seems like there's a lot going on around me in both people's lives who I know well and even those I don't know well.  So even though I have this haze over my brain, I think it's also a little nudge saying...why not stop writing about it and trying to think about it and analyze it (which I take way too much time doing) and take some time to lift these people who are going through so much up. So that's what I'll be doing...

But for a lighter note I'll leave you with this, that picture above is from my trip to Costa Rica this summer at the Volcano Poas and I also found this video. I didn't take it because I was too scared to let go of the rope to hold the camera but I did do down that exact zip line right before him...so scary yet so fun!

I guess this turned into writing a blog...

Doing nothing?

Tonight for the first time in awhile I just sat. I had the TV on and my computer out, but I wasn't quite paying attention. I actually did nothing and I felt bad about it. I kept having the urge to work or to call someone to go somewhere, but I didn't.  I talked on the phone with a few people which was great, but other than I can't say I did much.

When did I lose my ability to do nothing and enjoy it? I used to be able to just sit at home at night and watch tv and be completely content...maybe even borderline lazy by some standards...but now when I actually do that for the first time in weeks I feel bad about it and have to force myself to just sit. Where is the balance between being productive and being lazy? Why was it so hard for me to just make my mind, body, and soul stop?

I feel like the energizer bunny these days...I just keep going and going and going...

**on a completely random note, I'm seeing The Civil Wars in concert tomorrow...so excited! If you haven't heard them before (the 3 of you that read this) you should listen to them! They're pretty great**

Time.

Time is a funny thing. Sometimes we waste it, sometimes we enjoy it, sometimes we wish there was more of it and sometimes we wish it would stand still. I can't even count the times I thought to myself if only there were 27 hours in a day or I wish I could fast forward to ... (fill in the blank).

I've come to realize time is a gift. Each moment I'm alive is a gift and I have the choice on how to spend this time each day. Will I wish it away? Will I worry? Will I be joyful? Do I spend it by myself or do I call up a friend and spend it with them? Do I sleep? Do I go work out? What's the balance between having time to yourself, others, work, friends, church, etc.

I don't know why it's become such a heavy subject on my mind lately. Maybe because I have had more thoughts lately of wishing there was more time in the day and realizing when I do have time away from things I don't have to be doing (which doesn't happen a whole lot), I'm not sure how to spend it.

How can we be good stewards of our time? What does it look like to be a good steward of time? I truly believe that how we spend our time shows what's important to us. I've felt so exhausted lately that I don't feel like I've been a good steward of the extra time in my day. There's always something at the end of the day I could have done instead...why didn't I call to catch up with that person? why didn't I work harder on that project for work? why didn't I wake up to work out? It goes on and on...

I want my life to reflect the fact that I cherish time as a gift and that I am a good steward of the time that I have.  I want to be intentional with how I live and how I spend my time...

This is filled with a lot of questions and uncertainty because really...I'm just not sure.

Nudge.

I have always thought the word nudge was funny. Random I know but I'm going somewhere with this.

Since I've been back to Nashville since Christmas I haven't felt too joyful. I am calling them the post holiday blues. I felt like after coming off a great time during the holidays I just came back to ordinary life and didn't have much to look forward to. While I would mention these "blues" and have my "woe is me" conversations with people I always felt something inside me gently tugging the words back that so easily left my lips...you could call it a nudge.

I was sitting at my kitchen table one morning thinking about what I could plan for my next thing to look forward to. With the limited funds I have and limited extended time I wasn't quite sure where to start. And then I felt it again...nudge.

Now...this nudge was getting a little obnoxious. I just wanted to wallow in my "blues" and find something to take my mind off the fact nothing too exciting was happening, but the nudge would not go away. 

I sat there and thought about how I do like my life. I'm blessed with a job I love, people who love me and lift me up, relationships to pour into, a God who doesn't give up on me,  and I continue to learn more about myself each day. And then the nudge became more like a smack in the face.

Why wasn't this enough? Why did I need to look to the next exciting thing? It's like a still small voice whispered across my soul..."this is what's exciting. life. love. work. people. getting to know yourself. laughing. finding the joy in every morning you wake up, every child you have a conversation with, every smile you receive, and even every meeting you have to sit through."

We are called to be people of JOY and to be present in the moment. This doesn't mean I'll be "happy" all the time, but I will have joy. I have a reason to wake up and enjoy each day because it's a gift. God has given us time and we must be good stewards of it. It's not meant to be wished away and dissolved by "the next best thing".

So because of this nudge I have set a goal. I have a calendar that I've committed to writing a Joy from the day on it. I refuse to go through a day without stopping to see where God has worked and I don't want to take for granted any more the time I have.

So as weird as the word nudge may be to me...I am so thankful that God used a nudge to lead to a smack in the face to remind me of this truth and the Joy I cannot forget to have.

Birthdays are weird.

It's my birthday...and I'm 23...weird. I'm not supposed to be the one growing up. I'm the baby and the one who sees everyone else get older...anyway I was thinking over this last year and how many things have changed and how crazy it has been. I've gotten to know myself better and learned what it's like to transition from one major point in your life to another. So I stole this idea partly from Becca's blog but 22 things I've learned about myself and things that have happened in my 22nd year of life...
1. I started an internship with Harvest Hands and didn't know what to expect!

2. I started the busiest time of my life to date while recovering from pneumonia and my little heart episode...looking back not sure how I managed but thankful for all I experienced in that time and it for sure taught me boundaries and balance.

3. I realized just how much of a people pleaser I am and decided I need to work on that...

4. Traveled a little bit...the Florida Keys, Michigan, Costa Rica, Michigan, Chicago, Seattle, back to Michigan...

5. I gained a sister...not just any sister but someone who I've looked up to a large majority of my life and was so excited for her to become a part of our family

6. I learned that you may think you have your life figured out, but God has other plans.

7. Oh yeah...I graduated from college.

8. Offered the job to lead Harvest Hands summer camp and was terrified I would fail...had a great summer and worked with great people I can now call friends...I don't think I failed.

9. Realized how true the phrase "You can't get something clean without it being dirty first" is

10. Embraced the fact I'm a hopeless romantic

11. Was transformed into someone who knew nothing about children and was scared to death of them to realizing my love for them and I actually like working with them each day.

12. Blessed with a full time job doing exactly what I wanted but thought would take 10 or so years to get to and laughed at God's humor in leading me to a stay in a city that I thought I would leave as soon as I could.

13. Realized how much Baby Girls transformed my life and was instrumental in where I am and who I am today...and crying on some Wednesdays because I can't be with them anymore

14. Went through a small state of depression trying to transition from college life to the real world

15. Realized I am who I am and all I can do is embrace it.

16. Found genuine community and a Nashville family with Harvest Hands

17. Watched too many episodes of Criminal Minds for my own good...not ashamed to admit I would be completely okay with marrying someone just like Agent Morgan.

18. Wrestled with and thought about tough issues like what it looks like to live out God's Kingdom here on earth and what true reconciliation looks like

19. Built on relationships with old friends and made new ones

20. Realized how much I really do hate odd numbers...weird I know.

21. Got my nose pierced which wouldn't be a big deal to some but in a weird way was very symbolic of actually doing something I wanted to do instead of considering everyone else's opinion.

22.  Learned and continuing to learn you can't grow without putting yourself out there and taking a risk even if it does mean you might fail

Not sure my 23rd year is going to be quite as exciting but we'll see what happens... :)