Attune.

Life has been hectic. I flipped back to my March calendar the other day and got tired just looking at how full it was.

Since school has started I'm realizing that there's always something on the to-do list. There is always something I could be doing. I already think a million miles a minute so being in school has just added another million things to think about. I saw something that said a girl's brain is like looking at a browser window and there's 2,000 windows open. That's pretty much how I feel, all the time.

This is not conducive to rest and I have felt prodding in my spirit lately that I'm just missing something in my life, but would could it be when I am enjoying life, school is good, work is keeping me busy and all seems to be well? The word attune kept popping into my head during this time and when I actually took the time to stop this weekend and just sit in silence, lets just say, the walls came tumbling down.

Attune means, "To bring into a harmonious or responsive relationship." This means there's two things involved, you can't be attuned by yourself, it's in relationship with something else. I've noticed the last few months that I have just been going, I have been attune to so many things and in some ways becoming someone I did not recognize. I was surprised by my critical attitude, my negativity and my selfishness. I was attune to what others were feeling and what they were thinking of me and to this perception I have of this perfect person who should just do it all. I was attune to social media and the world outside of my own, which can be good, but for me it helped me block out other things.

When I finally sat in silence and thought about all that had gone on, I didn't like what I saw and really, it was exhausting. I had to ask myself who or what is that other thing I'm going to bring into a harmonious or responsive relationship with myself?

I choose for this to be Jesus and I so easily forget that. Being in tune with Jesus produces great things. It allows me to attune to love, joy, peace and selflessness. 

It gives me a lens to see the world in which I know that I am meant to love people well and accept them for who they are. It gives me a lens to see the world in which we are all a part of this story here, where each and every person has worth and value. It gives me a lens to see that you cannot operate out of constantly trying to gain the approval of others. It gives me a lens to see that God's Kingdom is here and now and asking myself what I am doing to be a part of engaging in those relationships and activities that bring, even if just a little, hope and peace into this broken world.

(I wrote this a week or two ago, but didn't publish it because I felt like I didn't want people to know my struggles, but now two weeks later I want to share. I feel like every so often I have a "shed my skin" moment. Like how a snake sheds it's skin? I think God does that with me...a refining process that needs to happen so I'm brought back to what really matters and where the old goes away and the new comes. A refining process that reminds me what I really need to be attune to.)