Identity.

I've been thinking lately. I feel like I'm going through a quarter-life crisis. If that even exists. I can't really articulate what I've been thinking because it's all over the place, but one thing I've been asking is who am I? What are my gifts and strengths? Where exactly am I placing my identity?

I stumbled upon a blog this morning and it was a great read for all that I've been thinking about lately. One thing she mentioned was how we get into the comparison game. I spend a lot of time thinking if only I was more organized, or super creative, or more outgoing and she brought up a good point,

"Instead of comparing, we need to ask God who he wants me to be, and then do that well."

"Clothe yourself in the unique identity Christ has for you, not comparing yourself to others."

God has created me to be me and no one else. I needed that reminder today. I can only do me well. It's a waste of time trying to be someone else.  This is something I know and have come a long way in being confident in who God has created me to be, but it's always nice to have a reminder and realize I'm not the only one who struggles every now and again.

So, who am I? I am a daughter, sister, friend, mentor, co-worker, sports fan, encourager, worry-wort, sometimes too sensitive, peacekeeper, and with all the good and the bad most importantly I am a child of God. And even if all else fails praise the Lord I can hang on to that fact. :)

Remembering Zambia.

I stumbled upon emails I wrote from Zambia tonight. I read one and that of course lead me to reading all of them. This lead me to think about how that trip has shaped me into who I am today.  Someone responded to one of my updates by saying:

"Like Joshua, you can “place a stone” when you come home, to remember how the Lord worked in your life. For when the “daily-ness” of life is there and you wonder about God – you look at your “stones” and see that yes, He still works, He still is true!" 

I'm thankful that I can look back and see how God worked and realize because he worked then He is continuing to work today. Reading those emails brought me back to my time in Zambia and brought tears to my eyes. That experience is nothing I can fully express to anyone. It taught me so much and was life changing. I read things from my email updates like:

"The poverty and circumstances we saw at all these villages was devastating. Each night I came back feeling overwhelmed and confused. We came into contact with about 500 orphans in four days, that makes 1000 parents that have died. Just thinking about that fact alone is hard. Most of the children are malnourished and many had HIV/AIDS."

It's interesting because looking back and reading about the villages we visited they were approaching this devastation in such a community development way. I don't think I even realized it then, but what I learned there and saw there was exactly what I felt called to do in my own backyard, I just didn't know it yet. One of the last emails I received from my brother when I was in Zambia said this:

 

"I pray God cements things in your heart so no amount of America takes away what you have learned."

This happened. God cemented the things in my heart that I learned in Africa and those shaped who I have become. I didn't return the same person and I'm not the same person. I could go on and on with how almost every day something happened in Zambia that links to where God has me now, it's crazy. I'm so thankful today to be reminded of how the Lord works. It's been three years, but Zambia is never far from my thoughts and prayers.

And since pictures are just great here are a few of my favorites from Zambia.

Some of the kiddos and I.

 My team at Victoria Falls. The most beautiful place I've ever been!

All the kids wanted was to hold our hands.

 

Walking through a village with a little girl.

Think about it.

I was looking at my facebook profile today randomly and I found this quote in my quote section and forgot how much I love it, but how challenging it is.

"The only thing harder than hatred is love. The only thing harder than war is peace. The only thing that takes more work, tears, and sweat than division is reconciliation. But what more beautiful things could we devote our lives to?"

Really think about that. What would our world be like if we chose love instead of hate. Peace instead of war. Reconciliation instead of division. Forgiveness instead of bitterness. Acceptance instead of judgment. These are all things we've been called to devote our lives to. Jesus did so as a follower of him I am called to do the same.

Also, just got back from vacation in Seattle/Tacoma/Oregon. It was so great! So fun to hang out with my siblings and see Bob and Court and Katie! It was much needed time away and I'm so thankful for it. And I got to visit Oregon and cross a state I haven't been to off my list! Here are some pics:

At Bridal Veil Falls in Oregon. Leah and I took a hike back to them and I climbed down and then up that rock for a closer view while Leah took the picture from above! 

 Friends living in three different states reunited in one!

Maybe a different perspective?

There's been a lot of debate about heaven and hell going on these days and I found this on a blog and thought it was a good. It makes me angry how so many argue with each other and bring more harm than good to the Kingdom of God over theological debates. I can't site the author because I can't remember where I found it, but here it is:

On that day, everyone from every nation were raised from the dead as all of creation gathered around the glory of his burning thrown. As the brilliance of the seraphim and cherubim circled above, humanity was separated into two groups. Some started asking each other “did you accept Jesus?” In both groups you could hear people saying:

I went forward at that rally!

I’ve never heard of Jesus!

I went to church and played bass in the band!

I was born centuries before him!

I drove out demons and did deeds of power in his name!

I was a good person, I’ll be going to heaven!

The Son of Man, frustrated with the talk of ‘going to heaven,’ interrupted the babel and confusion with a clarifying question that silenced all of creation:

“You thought this was about going somewhere else? Did I teach you to pray ‘Your kingdom we’ll go?’ or ‘Your Kingdom come?’ I have come to bring heaven here, not to take you elsewhere. Heaven isn’t a ‘place’ that you go, it’s the very Presence of God that I bring. And now, those who have responded to God’s grace and have not dammed Heaven from flooding the earth by accepting me will inherit this kingdom of a transfigured creation.”

The seas roared with the outcry and joy from within both groups as some lamented they have never heard of Jesus let alone accepted him, while others ecstatic that they prophesied and saved souls in his name.

Then the King with a voice like lightening silenced the nations with this stunning declaration:

“You accepted me, as a child solider in Darfur, as a Thai child enslaved in sex trafficking, as a refugee seeking to enter your country, as a disabled black youth on death row, as a homeless vet on the streets, as a gay youth victimised in High School, as a drug addicted prostitute needing a meal, as an inmate needing a visit …”

As the list of where Christ had been camouflaged throughout creation when on, a shockwave rippled throughout all of reality at the realization that the two groups were not separated by their doctrines or ideas about Christ, or grace, or Heaven, or hell. They were separated by their response to the saving grace of Jesus in the most vulnerable and oppressed. The reality of this revelation for one group felt like eternal punishment. And for the other, eternal life. Eternal Life of the New Heavens and the New Earth liberated from all that does not look like Jesus’ Calvary-shaped love.

Just something to think about it. 

I am me.

I can't sleep and so I'm thinking. God has been working on reminding me of some things lately. He's giving me the reminder that he made me who I am for a reason. I don't need to believe the lies that I'm supposed to be a different way or I'm not good enough. Sometimes I use the quote, "I am me." for different things and it's really as simple as that. I am me. No one else. With all my insecurities and flaws and with all my strengths and successes. Why waste my time trying to be someone else?

A wise friend sent me this quote today as encouragement with this issue and I've been reflecting on it all day.

"The basis of my personal worth is not my possessions, my talents, not esteem of others, reputation...not kudos of appreciation from parents and kids, not applause, and everyone telling you how important you are to the place...I stand anchored now in God before whom I stand naked, this God who tells me, You are my son (daughter), my beloved one." 

--Rabbi's Heartbeat, Brennan Manning

My prayer is that I remember this. That I hold tight to this truth and continually gain confidence to fully be who God created me to be. I like how ee Cummings said it because it's not always easy:

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."

Single.

Yup I'm single. Okay I know that is no secret, but I've been thinking about the state of "singleness" these days. I mean it's hard not to when lots of people around me are in a relationship and every week I seem to get a save the date or wedding invitation in the mail. And then here I am living my life, staying busy, and still single. I love my life and of course at this current moment I'm not sure where I would fit a relationship into my schedule, but anyway...

I think most single females would say they think about getting married and when that perfect boy will finally come along, but I've just gotten tired of always thinking "what's next' and "when?". Why do we feel like this time of singleness is just a time to hold out until what is next? Why do so many of us think there's something wrong with us if we aren't married by the time we're 23? There's nothing wrong with me and there's no reason for me to feel ashamed of being single at this point of my life because honestly sometimes people make me feel that way.

I was reading an article in Relevant magazine about singleness and it was really good. One thing it said was:

"Singleness is not a disease to be cured; it is a stage of life to be enjoyed. Too often, we try to rush through it." 

So I'm going to enjoy this time of my life. Honestly, I know there will still be times where I struggle and I think that's normal, but I think as single woman we need to re-adjust our way of thinking.  The author of the article leaves you with this challenge:

"I challenge you to revel in your singleness. Take pleasure in the down time. Don’t waste your time on “what ifs” and “if onlys,” but instead reap the benefits of where you are today, right now." 

Here's the link to the article if you're interested. It, of course, says things way better than I could:

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/blog/25590-single-and-not-alone

Also...random note, but one year ago this month I graduated from college. Weird.

I've got nothing.

I haven't posted in awhile because I really haven't had much to say. I was catching up with a friend last night and he asked how life was. My response basically came out as, "It's good. I mean it's not really good or bad or great or awful. At the moment it just is. I'm keeping really busy and it just keeps on going."

I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in a funk, but there's just nothing going on. It's a moment in my life when if someone asks whats new there really isn't anything. I feel like I've been surrounded lately by lots of things going on in the people's lives around me, but nothing in my own. At times I get a little antsy for something exciting to happen so that when a friend calls to catch up I can say, "Actually there's this guy...or actually I'm going on this great vacation...or actually I have this crazy story..." But, I've got nothing.

This bothers me sometimes, but I'm trying to just enjoy the moment and the peacefulness of my calm mundane life at the moment (however, I do genuinely like my life no matter how boring it may seem). The non excitement of my own life is allowing me to better enjoy the excitement of others. haha

Since a blog post is boring without a few pictures...meet Maggie. She is the excitement in my friends Jenny and Patrick's life lately. She is the most precious baby and I love holding her...just my love and excitement for a friend's baby makes me think I'm going to be a mess when I'm an aunt some day!

One exciting thing that did happen was my Florida vacation with my family. I was so thankful for time we could all be together and it was tons of fun. That for sure didn't make me want to come back to my mundane life. :)